After six weeks of chafing, the ladies of “Bachelor in Paradise” can finally hang up their bikinis.
The show came to a close this week with the expected heartbreak, tears and Neil Lane engagement ring.
But let’s not forget the most important part: the declarations of love. Declarations for love found, love lost and love desired more than anything in this entire world.
“I’m just looking for love,” said every physically fit and slightly tipsy “Bachelor” contestant ever.
But, real talk, why would someone who genuinely is looking for love go on “The Bachelor”?
Out of 30 seasons of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette,” only five couples have actually married.
That’s a meager 17 percent success rate for your relationship — and only if you make it all the way to the beach proposal at the end. There’s only a 3 percent chance — when you’re up against 29 other women — of even getting into that final glittery dress where he’ll pop the question.
So I have just one question to the guy or girl in the limo crying about love: Really?
You really thought you’d find love on this show? Where the alcohol flows more freely than conversation? Where you’ll probably have only one date with a person before being shuffled into a closet to declare into the camera, “I think I’m falling in love with him”? And then you’re surprised when it doesn’t last — when he’s got 29 other women to troll after, too?
I get it: Dating in the real world is tough. The apps. The sites. All of it. But at least you’re not limited to a batch of 30 producer-picked people, three of whom are likely cast for their short tempers and ability to make this “the most dramatic season yet.”
So can we just drop the act that anyone on this show is really motivated by love? Every contestant makes it seem like this is their “last chance” to find “the One.” They leave their kids for it, their jobs, their families, like they’re shipping off to do God’s work. But odds are you’re more likely to not find love on “The Bachelor.”
Yes, I want to watch the unrealistic magical dates where the delicious food sits uneaten — such a travesty! — and the wine goes down like water. Where the conversation rarely passes a basic Tinder-level chat.
But for the love of Chris Harrison, can’t we all just recognize these people are ridiculous for thinking this could work when “all else” has failed?
Now that “Paradise” ended, we have four long months until “Bachelorette” castoff Ben Higgins grabs the bouquet as the “Bachelor” on Jan. 4. Somewhere in central Iowa, an interior designer is looking in the mirror, trying to say, convincingly, “I’m here for love.”
No, you’re not. You’re there for a three-month vacation and a chance to gain a hundred new Twitter followers.
But go on — I’m watching.
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